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my thoughts the past few days

the following post contains mentions of suicide and self-harm (hidden under black boxes). please proceed with caution!!
i dont know why ive been so much more sensitive recently, but oh well.

the past few days, ive been really concerned for one of my friends. they just seem... more distant. i really hope they're doing okay, whatever's going on in their life... maybe im getting worked up over nothing!! but... ive been thinking of something that happened a few months back. ive been so paranoid and scared.
earlier this year, i found that said friend's friends on tumblr softblocked me from their blog (they blocked me, then unblocked me later on). at first, i thought, "maybe they don't like minors on their account...?", but i remembered they had interacted with me before in the past, one time in 2021 and one time in 2022. maybe they set a new boundary about that recently, but my paranoia invaded my mind faster than that thought. for a while, ive been convinced that the twitter friend hated me, that they were talking about me behind my back. but that's stupid to think!! ive known that person for 2 years now!! theyre so fucking sweet and all, why am i thinking that?? why am i getting worked up over nothing!? WHY AM I THINKING SOMETHING SO AWFUL ABOUT SOMEONE I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT!?
ive been trying to find a new special interest for a while, and i wanted to get into something my friend was into, but seeing as the person who softblocked me seems uncomfortable with me, it deterred me away. im scared to lose my friend. ive not been drawing much because of it.

actually, that reminds me of something. for a while now, ive been self-conscious of my relationships between my friends. i seem to have a tendency to get really, really attached to my friends, and i seem to get really, really overly furious if i find that someone has hurt them. that was what happened a few nights ago: i blew up at one of my friends for something that happened between another friend, only to find i misunderstood what happened entirely because i let my anger get the best of me. i felt so fucking bad...
i have a thing where im so scared to lose my friends that i literally Wont interact with anyone because the thought of being abandoned and hurt scares me so much. why i feel like that is something i dont know, im used to this happening anyways!! it's what a worthless [r-slur] like me deserves after all, right...?

i wouldnt be surprised if my current friends abandoned me. maybe that'll give me enough courage to finally end it all. i think about ending it all a lot, usually at night, but for the life of me i cant get myself to actually try. i can't even hurt myself because i'm scared of blood (catch me gagging and hyperventilating at the sight of blood coming out of a wound), so scratching at my skin and punching myself will have to do...
i just want someone who loves me platonically, or maybe romantically. i want someone who really treats me like human. im sick of being so fucking lonely, yet im so fucking bitter and resentful towards anyone who tries to befriend me. sometimes i wonder, would anyone even notice if i ended it all successfully?? eh, probably not, im that fucking unlikeable and forgettable. oh well. but at the same time... i wonder how my mum and my sister would feel... especially my sister... i cant bear the thought of her mourning over me. so i guess i'll just have to keep surviving...
with all of this... siobhan seems to be the most helpful as of recent. theyve been there for me. they were there for me when i was dealing with gremlin, they were there for me when i was defending my friends, they were there to calm me down when i found gremlin manipulated one of my friends. siobhan, if you see this, thank you so much... i appreciate you a lot...

for anyone else who's reading this, expect me to be on here on and off. as you can see im not doing well. im sorry.
i'll be okay i think. i'll keep surviving for yall.

posted on aug 4th '23 @ 01:47 BST